It was less than a week following my miscarriage when my best friend came over with a gift. It was a chime, which she told me would gently remind us daily of Jesse as it hung in her tree. It was a gesture of kindness that I had never experienced before and it changed my life.
A few days prior, I began laboring. My husband and I were expecting for the third time and praying for another living child, after losing our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy and welcoming a healthy little girl one year later. Despite our prayers, my labor began at only 10 weeks gestation and the baby I birthed was only the size of a silver dollar. It had happened again. Except this time, I held my precious baby in my hand and admired her perfect hands and feet, two ears and two eyes, and cried like I had never cried before.
The love and support of my best friend held me together like nothing else could. It inspired me to write this post and share with others what they should know about their friend who has just suffered a miscarriage. I put together a list of ten things that I think are important to consider. If you are reading this to help understand how to best help her, thank you. And I am so sorry for your friend's loss.
1. Her heart is broken
Pain from a miscarriage is unlike any heartache one can imagine. It cuts deeper than can be expressed with words and it will change her forever.
Your friend has lost her baby. She has lost a future she envisioned, prayed about, and yearned for. She lost a part of herself that will never fully heal.
2. She is in tremendous pain
While your friend is certainly in a great deal of emotional pain, she might be in physical pain too. She might have labored before giving birth to her angel. She might have been rushed to the hospital in anguish before learning of her baby's passing. She might have been miscarrying for days or even weeks. Whatever her special circumstance may be, please respect the pain she is enduring.
3. She needs you
There is no excuse for not reaching out to your friend who has suffered a loss. She needs to know you love her and she won't know it unless you tell her. Call her and if she doesn't answer, leave a message. Tell her you are sorry and that you are thinking of her. Don't push her, but remind her often that you are thinking of her. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the excuse that you didn't know what to say or you thought you would say the wrong thing so you said nothing at all. Here is what you say: I am so sorry.
4. She doesn't want to hear that it happened for a reason
Never tell a loss mom that everything happens for a reason. Or it's all in God's plan. Or... I shudder to even type... you can always try again. Would you say those things to a woman who lost her living child? No? Then don't say them to your friend. Here is what you say: I am so sorry.
5. She will struggle with others' pregnancies
Whether it be for a few weeks following her loss, or several years or more, your friend will almost certainly experience feelings of bitterness, sadness, and even resentment towards other women who are pregnant. Be sensitive to her feelings and don't dismiss them. It's ok for her to be mad as hell that she didn't get that same opportunity. It doesn't mean that she isn't happy for those women. It means she is hurting for herself and her own family. It doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her human.
6. She won't get over it
She might put on a smile, and even seem back to normal, but your friend will never get over her miscarriage. She will always think of her lost baby and some days will be hard for her, even if it's months or years later.
7. Her spouse is hurting too
Your friend's husband, significant other, or partner lost a baby too. He or she can be easily forgotten following a miscarriage and often has to be strong for both himself and his partner. Ask how your friend's partner is doing and let him/her know how sorry you are for their loss.
8. She doesn't want you to avoid her
If you always get pedicures together on the first Thursday of the month, invite her. She will decline if she isn't feeling up to it, but please don't avoid her. Don't smother her with daily invitations in an effort to "keep her mind off of it," but let her know that you still want to be with her and around her, even when she is hurting.
9. You will mean more to her than you know if you support her during her miscarriage
It's not always easy to support a grieving friend. But if you take the time to listen to her when she wants to talk, provide your shoulder when she needs to cry, and be the same great friend that you are in good times, she will never forget your kindness.
10. She needs you
It wasn't a mistake to include this one twice. Please don't disappear from your friend's life because you think she needs her space and will approach you when she is ready. She will feel abandoned at a time when she already feels empty and broken. At the very least, send her a card. And if you are worried you will say the wrong thing, here is what you say: I am so sorry.
If miscarriage or pregnancy loss has touched your life or someone close to you, please feel free to comment and share your story, or let me know what you would include in this list.
